On forgetting Self

So I'm sitting on my white down bedspread this morning, balancing a full cup of coffee in between my palms and I can't help but get a bit anxious about the possibility of a coffee stain on my pretty bed. The color white is just so new and clean and neat and bright. You know? I place my coffee down on a table beside me and breathe again.
I self-reflect. Why the anxiety? About coffee? And a stain? Am I really that ridiculous? Yes, the answer is yes. But why?

:::

I'm trying again, to do something right. To make something about me better because I want to fix all my flaws. I have it in my head that I can do that. That I can make my stains white on my own with some sort of self-righteous bleach.

I can tell that I'm not motivated by Christ and His example in this moment, in these times of trying. I'm motivated by an image of the Christian I think I should be. I'm motivated by my friends who seem more-righteous/more-God-fearing/more-peaceful/more-joyful/more-gentle than I am.
Am I letting Christ set me free, or am I letting an idea of the "perfect Christian" tie me down?

The pressure is undeniable; the comparisons are endless. It's in these moments that happen more often than I would like to admit that I must ask, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10, NIV) I sit in the stillness of God and I feel Him move me, as He never seems to tire of doing.

I pick up my coffee again, and I forget about how full it is because I'm holding God's Word in my other hand and it tells me that "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17, NIV)

I let myself forget about myself because God is Healer, Redeemer, Satisfier, Forgiver and He is near and He makes me clean and I don't have to try anymore. Because He is Who He is, He lets me forget about those self-expectations - I can't take my eyes off of Jesus long enough to remember them.

Knowing that I'm found in His grace, I can allow myself to be lost in His love.

The Prostitute and The Lover

I see God before me - an invitation. I am trying to work against the flesh, I am trying to come to Him and leave my temptations behind, but I am trying in my own effort. I am not praying for the Spirit to do it for me. I think I can do it alone. I think I can come to Him, humbly, if I try hard enough. I am wrong.
Something distracts me. Success, Wealth, People-Pleasing, Acceptance. My peripheral catches a glimpse of these things. I twist my head towards them. I lose sight of my Savior before me, beckoning me closer. I lose sight of His gifts, of His Great Promise. My human-eyes are easily distracted, my human-flesh easily forgets what is Good. I am, once again, prone to wander.

I see a prostitute before me - a reflection. She shows me the woman I am prone to become. The one who turns from a devoted Lover. The one who is broken, the one who feels undesirable. The one who is, in truth, passionately desired by her Creator. I am the prostitute. I am weak. I can do nothing but come to Him, in desperation and confession. I cannot try anymore. Today, once again, I give Him me.

Something changes inside of me - in my heart and my soul, in my blood and my bones. It is the Spirit of the Gift-Giver, the Promise-Keeper. His Spirit moves in me and waters my soul. He grows beauty within me again. He chooses me to be His garden. He takes me back. He makes me worthy, He makes me holy. He redeems me in the way that only He can. I was the prostitute - I am the daughter of God.

"I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord." 

Hosea 2:19-20

Create

I like to create. I like to make what Didn't Exist into what Does Exist. I believe that we, as creatures created by a Creative Creator God in His very Creative image, were made to create. It's in our very being. And I believe that it gives us and God joy when we do.

A beautiful blog I've been following by a women of the name Lauren Dubinsky recently had an article about this very topic (found here) - what creating really means, and why we are all creative. It's beautiful, and I would like to share.


- Amanda

The Lion and The Garden

A couple of months ago I woke up in the middle of the night with a mental image I couldn't shake and a string of words I couldn't forget. I found my phone on my nightstand and typed them quickly before I fell back asleep. God had given me a beautiful dream of who He is, and I consider it a true gift. This is what I found on my phone the next morning:

So, when we let him, he (the lion, that is) finds a place in the deserts of our dead hearts to lie down. At first he just gets comfortable and settled there. And then he paces around some and starts roaring softly, working up to a louder roar as he slowly speaks life and creation back into us. He turns hills of sand into grassy fields. He plants trees and flowers, one by one, in our hearts. And eventually, he returns our deserted hearts into that first Garden of Eden. That is how He redeems us.

Thank you Jesus for entering my dreams. 

No Variation or Shadow

Today God is giving me a glimpse of Himself as a God who doesn't change. "Life stays the same more than it changes because God stays the same."

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  James 1:17 (emphasis added)